Stop that. Why, the idea.
Voulez-vous me to call the police?
-What does that mean in English? -The same as it does in French, monsieur,
All right.
Comme ca, a little brook.
Comme ca, a little river.
Comme ca, a little brook.
Comme ca, a little river.
Where is Petrov?
Please, can you not see l am busy being a wave?
Comme ca, a little river, comme ca, a little brook.
Where is Petrov?
Look here, l don't want to be bourgeois and remind anybody...
that l'm the owner of this company...
but if somebody doesn't tell me where Petrov is...
there'll be trouble for everybody.
He's in his private room, practicing his grand leap.
Thank you.
-But he does not want to be disturbed. -Thank you.
-What is this? -Hi, Jeff.
Stop it. Stop that.
-What on earth are you doing? -l'm just having fun.
Fun? The great Petrov doesn't dance for fun.
The great Petrov doesn't, but l do.
-Pete Peters, remember me? -Oh, that awful name of yours.
l was born with it. lt isn't bad. Pete Peters, Philadelphia, PA.
How do you make that exasperating noise?
What have you got on those shoes?
-Taps. -Taps?
-On your ballet shoes? -Sure.
Sacrilege. At last l'm beginning to understand...
why you wanted a private room to dance in.
All this time l thought you were practicing your grand leap.
But, Jeff, l haven't neglected anything.
Look, the entre chat trois.
Lovely, beautiful.
But how much more effective it is this way.
Lovely.... l forbid that.
-That's not art. -Maybe it isn't.
Perhaps it's just the Philadelphia in me.
Jeff, l wish we could combine the technique of the ballet...
with the warmth and passion of this other mood.
Mood, what other mood? You mean this jazz business?
Jazz went out with the flapper. That isn't jazz.
After 15 years of the hardest work...
you want to dwindle into a shimmy dancer.
Well, forget all that nonsense.
Here, look at this, do you realize we ought to be sailing?
Do you realize the Metropolitan in New York City is getting nervous?
l'm sorry, but l have to stay in Paris a while yet.
Stay in Paris? What for? Why?
That's grace, that's rhythm.
What is that? What have you got there?
lsn't she lovely?
So that's it.
Who is that girl? Who is she? Where did you meet her?
That's it, l haven't been able to meet her yet.
But l hope to dance with her someday.
-Dance? With her? -Sure.
Are you mad?
Are you sure that she hasn't tried to persuade you to stay on here?
l told you, l haven't even met her, but l'd kind of like to marry her.
l think l will.
Thanks, Jeff.
You are so beautiful when you are angry.
Pardon, mademoiselle, l cannot help what l cannot help.
Neither can l.
You cannot let us up like this.
-lt not up she let us, it is down. -Up or down, she lets us.
-lt is all your fault, you kissed her. -But it is in the play.
You kissed her out of the play, too.
Go home, all of you.
Go home!
Well, hello, my little darling. What have you got there?
lt's Mr. Miller, miss. He just arrived from New York.
-Hello, Arthur. -Hello, Lynn.
You better go.
lf l ever walk on a stage again....
-How did you get here? -By rail.
l hung over every inch of it.
A new experience for you, you usually have your foot on one.
Yes, Lynn.
Of all the humiliating experiences.
Did you ever dance with a man you didn't care about...
-and who's in love with you? -No, Lynn.
Why do actors have to take the author's lines literally?
And why must there always be a kiss at the second-act curtain?
As long as l live, l hope l never see another hand-kissing, heel-clicker.
Careful, Lynn.
You know, l come from a long line of heels myself...
but we've never clicked.
And it's all your fault, too.
l was a happy, peaceful girl until you discovered me.
Fame, name in lights.
l never should have listened to you.
l'll quit.
-l'll retire from the stage forever. -Again?
lt does you good to break an engagement.
Engagement?
Engagement. That's what l'll do, Tai.
Send a cable to Jim Montgomery.
Tell him l want to see him desperately...
and l'm coming back on the Queen Anne tomorrow.
-Yes, miss. -Now, Lynn, don't lose your head.
-You have to stay in the theatre. -Never.
l refuse to be a bowl in a gold of fish.
You mean a fish in a bowl of gold.
That's what l said, a bowl in a goldfish.
-Just a moment, please. -Thank you.
Petrov? What's a Petrov?
Just the Russian ballet's greatest dancer.
Fine, tell him to go back to Moscow.
The gentleman seems very anxious to see you, miss.
l've got enough troubles without adding a dizzy Russian to them.
Just another dancer to swoon in my arms.
That's all l need to make things perfect. A simpering toe dancer.
Get rid of him.
He probably only wants to say he's seen a picture of me...
and can't live without me.
l am Petrov.
Charmed. l'm Linda....
-Linda.... -Linda Keene.
-Yes. -How do you do?
So glad you came, Mr. Petrov.
Not mister, Petrov, alone.
-Just Petrov. -And why not?
Just Caesar, just Napoleon, and only Garbo...
so Petrov, too, she's enough.
Just about enough.
And you, l understand you want to dance with me.
Of course, l cannot blame you...
but l will not permit it.
Who told you that?
A little bird she tell me so.
Not in the least.
What, you do not want to dance with the great Petrov?
Don't be a silly horse.
Maybe you could twist for me once...
like so.
No, l don't....
-Twist. -Better twist.
Get up, l hate these discords.
She is horrible, nyet?
Well, that kind of settles it.
With me, nothing is settled.
Well, l must go now. l must go to Moscow.
-Funny, nyet? -Very.
lt kills me.
That lunatic's dangerous, they ought to lock him up.
Am l glad l'm sailing on the Queen Anne tomorrow.
No, Denise, no. l can't take you back as ballerina.
Why, you've done absolutely nothing for four years.
And everything's been so peaceful since you left.
lt wasn't my fault.
Peter just refused to fall in love with me.
Peter, darling.
Why, Denise...
-or should l say Lady Tarrington? -No, it is Denise again.
Denise wants to come back to the ballet.
She does?
Well, that sounds like fun.
l didn't know you felt that way. Why, of course, Denise, you're engaged.
-You go downstairs and get your contract. -Thank you, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey, may l speak to you a moment, please?
-You'll excuse us? -Of course.
And l'll let you know about the rehearsals the first thing in the morning.
Of course, we can't give her anything important to do at first.
-You want me to stay, don't you? -Why, what a question.
-Well, then get rid of her. -Get rid of her?
Remember all the trouble she caused the last time?
-But you just told her, l heard you myself. -l was only being polite.
Oh dear, and l've given her my word.
Look, Jeff, l'll make a deal with you.
You want me to go to New York, don't you?
Why, naturally.
l'll sail on the Queen Anne tomorrow providing you get rid of her.
Tomorrow, oh dear, that's so sudden.
l wouldn't know what to do. l wouldn't know what to say.
-All right, l stay here in Paris. -But l'll think of something.
l'll connive, l'll connive something good.
Good.
Peter.
Hello, Denise.
l feel very bad because l'm not going with you.
-So do l. -ls your wife going with you?
My wife, l haven't any wife.
Jeffrey told me it was a secret for professional reasons.
Oh, Jeffrey.
Did he mention how long l'd been married?
Yes, he did.
lmmediately after dear Tarrington took me away from you.
Dear Tarrington.
-ls she sailing with you? -Who?
Oh, my wife, yes, of course.
l'd love to meet her.
Well, you couldn't. She's busy with the children now.
Children? But Jeffrey didn't tell me.
Jeffrey doesn't know everything.
lmagine, married four years.
lmagine.
-And how many little ones are there? -Five.
-Five? -Well, twins.
-How wonderful. -lsn't it?
-All visitors ashore, -Well, goodbye, Denise.
-Sweet of you to see me off. -Goodbye, Peter.
Bon voyage,
Miss Keene, l know, wants me to tell you...
how much she hates leaving her dear Paris.
She's enjoyed everything about it, and everybody in it.
All visitors ashore,
Monsieur Petrov, a picture, please.
Thank you.
-One more, please. -All right.
l certainly do envy you, Pete, going home at last.
l kind of like the idea myself.
All right, so long, fellows, thanks for everything.
Bye-bye.
Miss Keene.
Why, just Petrov.
You come to see me go, nyet?
Yes, isn't it sweet of me?
l know you come.
Petrov, l have been looking all over for....
-l beg your pardon. -Miss Keene, my friend, Jeffrey Baird.
-How do you do? -Really, Miss Keene....
What did you say?
Me? Nothing.
What's the matter with you, you got a cold?
No, l feel like you say, good.
Well, you don't sound so good. What's the matter with you?
Doesn't Mr. Baird understand Russian?
-Not a-- -Yes.
What?
What sort of a game is this?
lt's just a game little American boys play.
l beg your pardon, sir.
-We can't find Mr. Petrov. -Well, you've got to find him.
He's probably practicing that jiggling somewhere.
l've looked everywhere, sir.
Splendid service, that's all l can say.
Bring the world's leading ballet dancer aboard this ship...
and he disappears from his stateroom under your very nose.
Well, he might be in someone's else's stateroom, sir.
What would he be doing in someone else's stateroom?
That would be entirely up to him, sir.
You aren't really serious about that marriage idea, Lynn?
No, Arthur?
What about me?
l'm sorry, but l'm facing real happiness for the first time in my life.
Yes, and l'm facing bankruptcy...
for the third time in my life.
-Steward, miss. -Come in.
l ordered lunch for us.
You can put the table right here.
l guess we won't be having many more of these together.
Lynn, l still think you're a sap to walk out on me just to get married.
No, l'm tired of living the kind of life l've been leading.
Look, Lynn, l'll give you $10,000 more than l gave you last year.
You don't understand, your kind never does.
Money, isn't everything.
But, Lynn, after all these years together.
Arthur, l'm tired of being pawed.
l beg your pardon.
My compliments, miss...
and as for you, sir, shame.
You misled me, you tricked me.
You knew that she was going to take this boat.
l'll admit the charge and plead in extenuation my extreme youth.
And where have you been all day? With that woman?
Not that woman, Jeff. The woman.
But l wasn't with her, and furthermore, she hasn't left her room all day, darn it.
Probably one of those night prowlers.
But she's not going to prowl too near you...
because l intend to accompany you all evening.
-Good, maybe she's got a friend. -Really?
What's the matter, what are you doing?
What are you weaving about like that for?
-Weaving? -Yes.
l'm not weaving.
lt's the boat.
You mean this boat's doing that?
Of course, it must be getting choppy out.
Of course.
-Why, Jeff, what's the matter? -Nothing, l'm all right, l think.
l guess.
-You look terrible. -Do l?
Why, yes, you're all white, sort of green, kind of yellowish.
-Maybe you ought to go to bed. -Maybe.
No, maybe l better get some air.
-Do you mind? -Not at all.
-What's the matter, old man? -lt's the boat.
The whole boat is weaving.
There, is that better?
l don't know, really, l don't know.
-Straight lemon juice, please. -l wouldn't drink that.
-No? -lt'll make you seasick.
What this gentleman needs is champagne.
Champagne? No, l've never touched champagne in all my life.
-l refuse to touch it. -You can watch me, then.
-Keep them coming. -Yes, sir.
Nothing.
Tell me the truth, do l look bad to you?
To tell you the truth, l don't know you well to tell you the truth.
Miss Keene, you remember the night we met in Paris?
Yes, l remember.
Wait a minute, please.
l want to explain. You see, l once saw a photograph of you...
and l decided right then and there that l simply had to meet you.
And l tried every way but...
nobody in Paris seemed to know you and....
Everybody in Paris knows Linda Keene...
everybody worth knowing.
Of course, but l just don't seem to know the right people yet.
Couldn't you do something about that right now...
as one Yankee to another?
l'm from the South.
Maybe you all's from the North.
lt's funny, dogs have an instinct for the right people.
How do you like that?
lt's marvelous how you can do it with so many at one time.
-Let's drink to that. -Steward.
Another bottle of this lemon.
He's gone to bed, must be late. What time is it?
What does your watch say?
lt says tick-tick-tick.
Hey, Jeffrey.
Hello, good morning.
What's the matter, you lose something?
l got great news for you, old man, you're not going to be seasick.
The captain just told me this will continue to be the smoothest trip in 10 years.
l don't see why you should have such a big head.
-You only had one glass. -Yes, but you kept filling it.
Your breakfast, sir.
What'll l do?
Before you do anything, you'd better put that breakfast away.
That'll save me an extra trip.
Come here, darling.
What has happened?
You ruined your sweater, now l'll have to fix it.
lsn't it wonderful being here tonight like this?
Still on the same boat together.
l seldom change boats in mid-ocean.
l mean, look how lucky l am.
The first time l find myself on a boat with somebody like you...
it turns out to be you.
Fellows, listen to this.
''Lady Tarrington left this morning on the S,S, Marseilles,,,
''for a trip to America to visit her friends Mr. and Mrs. Petrov...
''who are aboard the S,S, Queen Anne,
''Upon further questioning...
''it was learned that the Petrovs have been married for some time...
''their marriage not having heretofore been disclosed for professional reasons.''
That is news for your morning bulletin.
That must be the musical comedy star he's with so much, Linda Keene.
By George, you're right.
Sparks just told me that ballet dancer, Petrov, is secretly married.
-l'll wager it's to that American dancer. -Righto.
-Will that be all, Miss Linda? -Yes, thank you, Tai.
And he's been secretly married to Linda Keene for some time.
They're a lovely-looking couple, don't you think?
My dear, l knew it.
-How do you do? -Good evening.
That's what l like about boats, everyone's so friendly.
A toast.
Wake up, Petrov.
We're going to have a baby?
-What? -Why did you keep this a secret from me?
-What are you talking about? -lt's all here in the ship's bulletin.
lt says you've been married for years to Linda Keene.
And the editor announces:
''lt is rumored that a blessed event is imminent.''
Why did this have to happen to me?
To you? lt hasn't even happened to me.
Lady Tarrington.
Do you realize that you're the father of my child?
Of course, that's ridiculous, that's impossible.
lt's very simple. You told Denise l was married...
somebody selected a wife, and now l'm going to be a father.
-lsn't that cute? -Cute? lt's a miracle.
l warned you association with that Keene woman would get you into trouble.
l warned you l was gonna fall in love with her. l have.
-lt's your fault, go and explain it to her. -l'll do nothing of the kind.
lf you want me to dance at the Metropolitan...
you go to Linda and clear this thing up.
ln that case perhaps l had better.
l'll take care of this.
Operator, get me Mr. Petrov.
What? Don't you dare congratulate me.
Come in.
l've come to tell you, Miss Keene, that we will not tolerate your insinuations.
Stay where you are...
while l compose myself.
l suppose you and that toe dancer think this whole thing's a good joke.
lt was not altogether the toe dancer, Mr. Petrov's fault.
lt wasn't?
A man in Petrov's position is besieged by women.
Naturally.
And there was one persistent wretch who....
Well, to get rid of her, he said he was married to you.
-To get rid of her? -Exactly.
He had to choose somebody, and he felt that a person like you wouldn't mind.
-So he used me to.... -Exactly.
You see, it wasn't altogether a joke.
Good morning, little mother.
Good morning.
l want to book passage on that mail plane.
l'm sorry, but that's against government regulations.
But l must leave the ship. lt's absolutely urgent that l leave.
Well, l understand, but it's just a little irregular.
l'm quite sure the government would understand.
Well, perhaps under the existing circumstances, madam--
Not madam, miss!
Where's Linda?
Pardon me.
Take a good look.
Gosh, and l could have explained everything.
You couldn't have explained her embarrassment and humiliation.
Thanks.
Now she's going to get married.
-Married? -Yes.
Married to a Park Avenue cluck...
with the longest yacht and the shortest chin ever christened.
-You've driven her to that. -Me? l didn't do anything.
Only told somebody you were married to her...
just to get rid of another dame, only used her, that's all.
-Who said l did? -Your impresario, Mr. Baird.
Oh, he did?
Excuse me, gentlemen...
in a few moments the fire bell will ring, but don't pay any attention to it.
-A fire drill for the ship's crew. -Right.
He's probably in here.
Did you tell Miss Keene that l used her to get rid of a woman?
My very words, dear boy.
One of these days you'll thank me for doing it.
Thank you? lf l didn't need you to explain to her--
What is the matter with you?
Haven't you any feeling of responsibility for your art, your company?
Do you realize because of your lies...
the best musical comedy star is quitting show business?
ls that so? That's no loss.
lt'd be if Petrov were mixed up with that cheap vaudeville.
However, l've scotched all that, and l'm proud of it.
You scotched it all right.
This boat is getting terrible. What is that noise?
-lt's a fire, the boat's on fire. -ls it?
This boat?
Of course, yes! What are we going to do?
-Nothing. -Nothing?
-Stay where you are. -Stay where you are.
-Don't move. -Don't move, but hurry. My word, yes!
-You'd better get into this. -l'm going to sue the company.
-lf we get out alive. -l'll sue them anyway.
Take the Thermos, you may get stranded on an island.
We'll need this for cold nights.
l feel the flames, they're getting nearer.
Now let's keep our heads. What else do we need?
-Hats. -Of course, hats.
-We don't want head colds. -No.
Gentlemen always dress, even on a tropical island.
-And this basket of fruit to eat. -Of course.
l'll pick up a few blankets. No, wait.
The clock, so l'll know when it's bedtime.
Petrov, l know they've lowered our boat.
Take this. We may be stranded for a while. Time will hang heavy on our hands.
-We will vary it with a little golf. -A little golf, yes.
-Go ahead, Boat Station 4. -Station 4. We got everything?
-Everything. -Come on, don't forget the blanket.
-l'll get the blankets. -And don't get excited, just follow me.
Come on, follow me.
Come on, Petrov, hurry up.
l'm all right. Don't get excited, anybody.
Everybody keep calm. My boat's Number 4.
My boat's Number 4, where? Four?
All right, l'm here. Let it down.
What are you waiting for?
Miss Keene? She's back already?
Goody. Miss Keene's back. Give me her key, will you, please?
Thank you, very much.
-Welcome home, l'm so happy to see you. -Thank you, Cecil.
You're in sooner than we expected. Are you alone?
Certainly, and who else would be with me?
You are the one, miss, keeping it a secret so long.
-There is no secret. -No, not now but--
There never was.
Very well, miss. l know professional people.
You'll find me the very soul of discretion.
Yes, indeed.
Just one moment, please. l've got a surprise for you.
Voila!
-Jim, l'm so glad to see you. -l received your cable, Linda.
You're looking very well, considering.
-You look grand, too, Jim. -Thanks, l'm lucky that way.
Nothing shows in my face.
But why didn't you tell me, Linda?
Tell you? There's nothing to tell.
-Then somebody's wrong. -Oh, that.
Lot of false malicious gossip.
Petrov? On his way up? Splendid.
-Cecil Flintridge. -No, Jeffrey Baird.
l beg your pardon, Cecil Flintridge.
l beg your pardon, Jeffrey Baird.
No, Cecil Flintridge.
l don't like to disillusion you, old man, but l am Jeffrey Baird, Petrov's manager.
And l am Cecil Flintridge.
You mean you are Cecil Flintridge?
-Yes, that's what l mean. -Well, what of it?
What?
-Cecil of the hotel? -Yes, of the hotel.
Of course. Well, how are you?
How are you? How do you do, indeed?
l've been at great pains to make you and Mr. Petrov comfortable.
-Have you really? That's very kind. -l thought it was kind of me.
Your suite is right next to Mrs., or shall l say, Miss Keene?
Miss Keene? What!
You blundering blunderer!
Petrov.
-Do you know where we are? -Wait a minute, don't tell me.
New York.
Yes. No, we're right next to Linda Keene.
-Good. -That's what l thought.
Nobody's interested in what you think, if you do.
l'm only trying to do my best, sir.
Do your next best and move us to another part of this hotel.
Why shouldn't married people have adjoining suites?
-Because they're not married. -Not married?
Arthur.
Linda, l've only kept the roof open in the hope you'd come back.
Since you left, l haven't had one revue there.
l couldn't find a big enough name.
Arthur, l'm not that good.
You're right, Linda, you're not.
Seriously, the crowds who haven't been on the roof since you left think you are.
-Arthur, l forgot to tell you something. -What, Lynn?
l'm going to be married to Jim Montgomery.
Well, l guess l'm licked.
lf you have your mind made up that definitely...
there's nothing more l can say to influence you.
No, l'm afraid there's not.
Except to wish me luck.
Well, you know l do, Lynn. All the best, the very best.
Thank you, Arthur.
There's just one thing l insist on doing for you.
What's that?
Give you and Jim a farewell dinner, tonight, on the roof.
We'd love it.
So nice of you to think of Jim.
l think of him constantly.
We've had our dinner. What are we doing up here?
You'll find out when l do.
Yes, Mr. Petrov, Mr. Miller's expecting you.
This way, please.
-Take this to Evans. -Yes, sir.
Thank you, Arthur.
And now, Miss Keene has graciously consented to dance for us.
But not alone.
Those who've never seen her famous partner...
have at least heard of him quite a bit lately.
Petrov.
-What am l supposed to do? -Twist.
l've got to keep that marriage story alive, Charlie.
lt's the only way l can stop Lynn from marrying Montgomery.
Then you'll have to get a new angle.
The newspapers are cold on this secret marriage, it's too secret.
They've told the boys to lay off unless they can furnish absolute proof.
lf l can only hang onto this combination.
The public would climb up the side of the building...
to see Lynn and Petrov dance together now.
-We've got to do something. -Yeah.
Furnish the proof that they're married. That ought to be easy.
l have an idea that's so dastardly, it's beautiful.
You remember the dream idea that sculptor sold us on for Lynn?
The one we spent $5,000 on and never used?
Yes.
Here's where we're going to collect on it.
-Lynn never saw that model, did she? -Not that l know of.
lt breaks my heart to do this...
but with a few slight changes, l'll turn that dream stuff into a nightmare...
that'll make history.
Poor Lynn! Look.
-Good morning, Tai. -Good morning, Miss Linda.
Have you no shame?
-Why, l-- -How can you look yourself in the face?
-But l-- -Here l emphatically deny your marriage...
to the boys and they flash these pictures on me.
The humiliation of it.
Lynn, l never thought you'd double-cross me.
Double-cross you? l didn't pose for those.
l suppose that's an old tintype of your grandmother.
lt could be. lt's certainly not me.
Linda, l've trusted you.
l've done everything l could think of.
Didn't l even bless your proposed union with Jim?
What a way to treat me, your best friend.
Don't go. You're the only one who can help me.
l've done everything l could.
-But you've got to. -Not anymore.
You must. All right, l'll sue the paper.
-l'll get to the bottom of these pictures. -You mustn't get involved in this.
l can't let you down in this crisis.
l'll handle the whole thing for you.
Thank you, Arthur. l knew you'd stand by me.
Get me Mr. Petrov.
Hello.
Oh, it's you.
Good morning.
How?
What?
Why, no, l haven't.
The papers?
l'll be right over.
What is the matter?
When you shout like that you frighten me, old fellow.
Take a look at this, old fellow.
l read the paper this morning, Mr. Petrov.
You won't have to run through the hallway anymore.
Compliments of the management.
Cad.
l suppose you're going to say this is Jeffrey's fault.
l suppose you're going to say this isn't you.
l can't very well, and neither can you.
Can you?
No.
You don't, by any chance, walk in your sleep, do you?
What.... How can you say such a thing?
Well, it's my bed, and l'm asleep.
Hello. What?
You want a statement?
-Well, let me tell you, if you think-- -Wait a minute.
You'd better not say that. lt might be libel.
Let me talk. Maybe l can put it more gently.
Hello.
Who is this, please?
Oh, the editor.
Listen, you and that cheap outfit that published those pictures.
l know, but wait a minute, l'm talking.
What?
Jim.
Jim, why didn't you phone?
l would've been dressed.
l suppose you've seen the morning paper?
Oh, that. Lies, ridiculous lies.
Now, Linda, l let you talk your way out of that other picture...
but that's no joke sitting on that bed. lt's you.
Me? That's not me.
Do you think l'd be caught dead in that cheap negligee?
That's irrelevant.
ln the picture l'm looking at, there's no corpse.
Good morning.
Jim, this is Mr. Petrov.
Mr. Petrov, this is Jim...
Jim Montgomery, my fiance.
You've heard of Mr. Petrov, haven't you, dear?
Yes.
lsn't he the man you were telling me about?
Yes, he's the one.
Yes, l'm the one.
l'm glad to see you, Mr. Montgomery.
Linda, the editor said he'll be very happy to retract his statement...
but how about those pictures?
Yes, as l was saying, how about those pictures?
Yes, how about those pictures?
Now, Linda, l don't want to upset you or anything...
but don't you think this is a poor time to announce our engagement?
l mean, couldn't we wait until things get a little more straightened out?
Yes, Jim, of course, it's only fair to you.
Glad to have met you, Mr. Petrov.
Me, too, Mr. Montgomery.
Charming chap.
l'm awfully sorry, Linda, but we'll manage this somehow.
But how?
Mr. Petrov, the lobby is simply bursting with reporters.
They're on their way up, what shall l do?
Stall them off, Cecil.
-We'll sneak down the freight elevator. -Stall them off.
Get dressed. We'll meet in the park in 15 minutes.
All right.
Let's go back. l'm tired.
Gosh, l can't keep this up much longer.
l haven't been on skates since l was a kid.
-lt was your idea. -Yeah.
How much longer do we have to stay out here?
The reporters will probably leave by dark.
l guess it would look kind of funny...
if we denied the marriage now, wouldn't it?
l don't know what to do.
l don't either.
The word is ''either.''
All right.
The word is ''either.''
No use squabbling. That'll get neither of us anyplace.
The word is ''neither.''
Yes, it was my idea.
-Have you any more of them? -No.
Read all about the secret marriage!
Paper, read all about the secret marriage!
Did you hear that?
We're about the only two people in the world...
who don't think we're married.
We don't ''think'' we're not. We both ''know'' we're not.
Except me. l'm beginning to have my doubts.
Don't tell me l have to convince you, too, that we're not married.
We might just as well be.
We certainly can't afford to deny it in the face of those pictures.
No, l'm afraid not.
The only difference between us and other married people is...
that we can't even get a divorce.
lf l really could get a divorce from you before l marry Jim...
that would put a stop to all these embarrassing falsehoods.
lt certainly would.
Peter, you've got to marry me.
Why, Linda, this is so sudden.
lf we get married now, l could start divorce proceedings in the morning.
l don't know.
You got me into all this, the very least you could do is marry me.
lt wasn't my fault any more than it was yours.
All right, it's my fault...
but you've just got to marry me.
l'd like to think it over.
But why? There's nothing to think over.
All right.
But where can we get a license? Everybody in New York knows us now.
-Why don't you try New Jersey? -Thanks.
The name of the bride is?
My real name is Linda Thompson.
And the name of the groom is?
Peter P. Peters.
l beg your pardon...
but what are grounds for divorce in this state?
Marriage.
Good afternoon.
Lady Tarrington, your suite is ready.
Will you announce me to Mr. Petrov?
-ls Mr. Petrov expecting you? -Yes, indeed.
Room 2601 .
l'll have you announced.
Petrov, where are you? Why didn't you telephone?
lt's not Petrov. lt's the desk. What do you want?
Lady Tarrington? Yes, have her come right up.
Did you say Lady Tarrington? Oh, my word, she can't come up here.
Tell her to go back to Paris.
She's already on her way up?
lt's calamitous.
Oh, dear, let me talk to the floor manager.
Cecil Flintridge speaking.
lt's you, Mr. Baird.
How are you?
That doesn't matter. Now, you stop asking questions and listen.
There is a woman on her way up here...
who started the whole silly rumor about Petrov's marriage.
Yes, l said ''rumor.''
-Did you say ''rumor''? -Yes, l said ''rumor''! They are not married!
Denise. lt's you.
-So, they are not married. -Yes.
That is, not exactly. No.
My journey is going to be more exciting than l thought.
Oh, dear, you.... You're not going to....
Yes, indeed l am.
That's Petrov now.
l don't wish to shilly-shally, but l want to know once and for all...
is Petrov married or is Petrov not married?
Yes, he is not.
Johnson.
Change that lock!
Gardenias, 10 cents.
Right here, please.
A corsage for the bride.
-lt's all right. -Thank you, sir.
Tomorrow, we'll be all straightened out.
You'll be on your way, and l'll be on my way.
Where?
l've got to get back to being a bachelor again.
Sort of catch up with my usual gay life.
Forget all this.
l hope you enjoy your gaiety.
Thanks. l hope you enjoy your divorce.
Thanks.
l didn't know getting married was so depressing.
l'm sorry now l asked you.
That's all right. l'll get over it.
Of course.
l guess the honeymoon's over.
Wouldn't you like to come in for a drink?
No, l don't think so.
Good night.
Maybe you'd prefer a cigarette or something?
No. Thanks just the same.
l just wanted to thank you for everything.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Sorry.
lt's way past my bedtime.
Good night, Linda.
Come in.
lt's you, Cecil.
Yes, may l come in?
lsn't it way past your bedtime?
Yes, but l haven't been able to sleep a wink.
l've been waiting up to see you.
-To see me? -Yes, l....
l must acquaint you with the varying state of my mind.
lt feels like a veritable pendulum, to and fro.
Then a moment later, it swings fro and to.
Tell me, Miss Keene, are you Mrs. Petrov?
Or should l say...
Mrs. Petrov, are you Miss Keene?
l'll tell you, Cecil. We are married.
Mrs. Petrov, my best congratulations.
Thank you.
Now l can go to bed with a clear conscience.
So can l.
Mrs. Petrov, l hope you will forgive me...
but in the storm and stress of other circumstances...
l rather willfully changed the lock.
But may l present you with this?
Shall we call it the new key to your happiness?
Thank you.
Good night.
Come in.
Peter.
Why, Denise. Look, you can't come in here.
Why?
Afraid your wife will object?
Yes, exactly.
Peter, please.
Think of a new one.
But l'm married, really.
Save your breath, Pete.
Jeffrey told me the truth.
But even Jeffrey doesn't know.
Are you sure your wife knows?
Please go away, will you?
l don't believe you.
And l won't budge under any circumstances.
Peter, you're so worked up.
And l love it.
Linda.
-Wait a minute. -Yes, don't go.
This is Lady Tarrington.
This is my wife, Mrs.... Miss Keene.
l've heard about you.
l hadn't heard about you.
Why have you been so secretive about this one, Peter?
l didn't think you'd be interested.
How silly of you.
l imagine Lady Tarrington is quite charming...
when you get to know her.
Yes, she is, l mean....
Then, you really are married to Peter?
Yes, really.
-Do you mind? -No.
But l do think it'd be awfully pleasant...
if you would divorce him.
No, l'm sure l'll never divorce him.
You know, you're a lot more intelligent than you look.
Why, thank you.
l wish l could say the same of you.
Good night.
Tai!
l'm sorry, Peter.
No, don't apologize. You've really done me a great favor.
l certainly didn't mean to.
-Bon voyage, -Are you going away?
No, but l thought maybe you were.
-l'll send for you, Tai. -Yes, Miss Linda.
-Good luck, Peter. -Thanks, Denise.
Linda, Linda darling, she's gone.
May l come in just long enough to tell you...
how happy l am that you're not divorcing me?
At least, tell me where you are going.
All right, Linda, if that's the way you feel about it.
Good luck and bless you.
-Now, what? -Linda, she's walked out.
This time for good.
For whose good? Not yours or your creditors'.
-Creditors? -Yeah, creditors.
You know, the people who come up because the customers didn't.
This is Arthur Miller. Send up a case of champagne.
Arthur, have you heard from Linda?
-She just phoned. -Where is she?
She wouldn't tell me but left a message for you.
Something about a Lady Tarrington...
and that she was going through with the divorce as planned.
Why didn't you do something to stop her?
l'm all worn out stopping her marriage to Montgomery.
What did you do to stop her marrying him?
Don't you read the papers?
l proved she was married to you so she couldn't marry him.
-You proved? -Yes.
You took those pictures. How?
As long as she wasn't marrying Montgomery...
l thought l could get her in my revue.
But no, you had to horn in.
-So now l've lost her. -You mean l've lost her.
Petrov!
You're here. Let me tell you....
How do you do, Miss Keene?
You may be interested to learn that we have no show.
Shake hands with Arthur, he hasn't either.
Really, l'm glad.
The Metropolitan has cancelled our engagement...
because of the scandalous notoriety...
occasioned by your association with that woman.
Oh, my word, she's fainted.
lt's just a dummy.
l know she's a dummy. l've said so all along.
A tap-dancing dummy.
You mean a dumb dummy, of course.
That picture in the paper....
You know where we are, don't you?
We're right here in New York on a wild goose chase...
with a whole company of ballet artists and no show.
All because of you and your practical dummy jokes.
Say, maybe Arthur and l can help you out.
Maybe we could use your boy in our show.
My what?
What do you say, buddy? Suppose we could find a spot for you?
You vandal.
Petrov, the great Petrov, in one of your cheap medicine shows.
What's the matter, Pete? You look worried.
l'm still trying to get an idea for the ballet.
-There's just something missing. -Yeah, Linda Keene.
There's a man outside who wants to see Mr. Petrov.
He looks like a process server. Shall l let him in?
Nobody is to go near Petrov. Those are my orders.
-Yeah, but the man insists if he don't see-- -Arthur.
l'm going to dance with Linda Keene.
-ls she back? -No, but that wax figure gave me an idea.
We'll have masks made to look like her.
lf l can't dance with one Linda, l'll dance with dozens.
l think you've got something.
The man says that if he don't see Mr. Petrov--
You go out and tell the man you're Petrov.
-Like a game, you mean? -Yes, like a game.
What's troubling you, my good fellow?
Are you Peter P. Peters, known as Petrov?
What an amusing alliteration.
l am.
Here's a present for you.
Thank you very much.
Now l begin to see the idea of the game.
You see, l'm not Peter P. Peters, neither am l Petrov.
Wise guy, eh?
Leave these premises at once.
l'm waiting to speak with Mr. Arthur Miller.
l'll speak with Mr. Jeffrey Baird.
This is Cecil Flintridge.
Yes, l'll wait.
Hello.
Hello, Jeffrey. Yes, are you there?
Of course, l'm here.
Now, don't shout at me. l'm in jail.
That's all right. We don't need you.
l'm in jail for battery and l want you to get me out.
l'm at the Susquehanna Street Jail.
Susquehanna.
S-U-S-Q-U....
''Q! ''
You know, the thing you play billiards with.
Billiards!
B-l-L-L--
What is this, a spelling bee?
No, ''L'' for larynx.
L-A-R-Y-N....
No, not ''M,'' ''N.''
''N'' as in neighbor.
Neighbor. N-E-l-G-H-B....
''B.''
You know, the stinging insect.
lnsect!
l-N-S....
''S! ''
''S'' for symbol.
S-Y....
''Y! ''
Why? Don't ask me why.
Look, Jeffrey, l'm in jail.
Wait a minute.
What jail did you say this was?
Susquehanna Street Jail.
Thank you indeed, thank you very much.
l'm in the.... The....
Jeffrey, listen closely.
Do you know where the Oak Street Jail is?
You do? Fine.
l'll have them transfer me there in the morning!
Look, Linda, l insist that you give up this idea of making a spectacle of yourself.
Yes, Miss Keene, it was entirely unnecessary for you to return.
-Our men will serve Petrov. -Your men have had their chance.
Besides, l'll derive a great deal of pleasure in serving this summons personally.
Linda.
-lt was swell of you to come. -Hello, Arthur.
l want you to meet my attorney, Mr. Russell.
-How do you do? -How do you do?
He said if he couldn't dance with you, he'd dance with images of you.
Arthur, take me backstage.
Why, Mrs. Petrov. Or should l say Miss Keene?
Hello, you're back. What do you want?
What's the matter, Cecil?
Arthur, please.